Grief, an inseparable companion to loss, manifests itself in various forms, regardless of the magnitude of the loss. One of the key factors that can impede our healing process is our tendency to overlook and suppress the emotions that accompany grief.
Understanding our individual approaches to dealing with grief is crucial in embarking on the journey of healing. Surprisingly, by the age of 16, we have already absorbed a full set of unhelpful lessons on how to cope with any kind of loss, whether through spoken words or unspoken cues. For instance, we may recall losing a beloved toy and shedding tears of sadness from a very young age. In response, a caregiver or adult might have consoled us, saying, “Don’t be sad. We will get you a new toy.” Although well-intentioned, such responses inadvertently send the message that feeling sad or grieving is undesirable. The underlying implication is that we should quickly replace our loss with something else to find happiness once more.
This pattern of invalidating our emotions persists into adulthood. For instance, when experiencing a painful breakup, we might try to suppress our hurt and devastation, telling ourselves to toughen up and stop feeling sorry for ourselves. Even well-meaning friends might advise us to jump into a new relationship as a way to move on. This constant messaging reinforces the belief that our emotions are wrong and that we should avoid or replace them to find happiness.
However, bottling up our emotions can have detrimental effects on our emotional well-being. Denying the existence of these emotions does not make them disappear; they remain trapped within us, leading to unresolved pain. It is essential to break this cycle of emotional avoidance and allow ourselves to express how events truly made us feel.
Facing our emotions can be uncomfortable and challenging. We often avoid probing into our feelings, fearing vulnerability, criticism, weakness, or shame. Emotions can be messy, and we might loathe the idea of delving into emotional turbulence.
Grief, being one of the most intense emotions we experience, can take us on an emotional roller coaster ride. The buildup of anxiety resembles the anticipation of a roller coaster steep drop. And just as we might avoid roller coasters, we might also be inclined to avoid confronting grief due to various reasons.
Yet, the most courageous step towards healing is to stop avoiding our emotions. Being honest with ourselves about the feelings locked within us is the first significant stride on the path to grief recovery. Suppressing memories or emotions because they seem too painful does not diminish the pain of our loss; it only perpetuates it. The notion that time heals all wounds is a myth; it is what we do with our time during grief that brings about healing. Just as we wouldn’t leave a broken bone unattended, we should not neglect our broken hearts. Healing comes from actively engaging in the process.
So, where to begin? Acknowledging the loss you are experiencing at present takes courage. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, a dear friend, a child leaving for college, a cherished pet, a career, or any other form of loss, being honest about the emotions we currently feel is the initial step towards healing. It is a powerful start, but it is just the beginning.
Each person’s journey is unique, and granting yourself the freedom to express your heart’s true sentiments is an act of strength and courage. Allow yourself the space and time you need to navigate through this emotional landscape, for it is within the depths of your feelings that true healing awaits.
Let us embrace this journey with courage and compassion, recognizing that healing comes from confronting our emotions, not denying them. With each step we take, we honor our journey toward healing our broken hearts.
Warmly,
Teresa Vink
