Currently, I am reading a book, Never Split the Difference, (Voss, 2016). The author, Chris Voss, is an FBI hostage negotiator. Voss says that a negotiator’s most effective tool is empathy or tactical empathy. So of course, I had to read on. Voss refers to empathy as becoming utterly aware of the other person’s perspective and understanding their viewpoints and emotions. Simply put, tactical empathy is the act of understanding another person’s mindset and feelings and making them feel understood. Naturally, as grievers, we want to feel understood, but even if we are not grieving we need to learn to show empathy in conversations.
Shortly after reading this, I had an opportunity to put tactical empathy into practice. My husband and I were on a little road trip and I thought to myself, I can’t wait to share my idea for our remodel. As a non-planner, I thought he was
going to be impressed that I had made a plan. I opened with, “Hey honey, I have been thinking about how to approach our remodel…” That did not go very well. By the way he responded, I realized his fear of agreeing to my plan would also lead to agreeing to the changes that I was listing out. In the book, one of Voss’s points was to be aware if the other person you’re talking to likes to be in control. If yes, take this into consideration while communicating with them.While my husband was giving me the list of reasons why the plan was not a good idea, I was thinking of the different tactics I had read in the book, especially with a person who likes control. So instead of proving my ideas were good, I asked him questions about our last remodel and what he would do differently, better, or more. He answered calmly and reflectively. Then I asked, ”thinking of our new place and what we learned from the last remodel, how would you want to approach this remodel?” I used tactical empathy by finding
